Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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