the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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