I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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