Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
