if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just cropdusted the office
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
