I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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