Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize