There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
