her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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