im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
