If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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