Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
