Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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