im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
