To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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