Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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