i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
