Plan B is the new Plan A
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
