i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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