I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
someone owes me an orgasm
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
