I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
