I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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