my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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