I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
