I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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