Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
