Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
