while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
