If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So much rum. So many feels.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
