He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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