someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
