Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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