24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
