The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
