She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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