Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
