He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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