The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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