"it" just moved
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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