you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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