please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
