I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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