I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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