You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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