I don't usually arrange sex via text message
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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