he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
