I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
