cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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