please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
