she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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