there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
