he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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