I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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