I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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