I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
