the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
