Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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