Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
