so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize