I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
