I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
