Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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