I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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