I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
