I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
