260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize