I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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