I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
