i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
