I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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