I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
